WHY I NEVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED

How fourteen years of marriage has given me no concrete answer.

Marriage is for suckers.

Growing up, I was acutely aware of the fact that, not only were my parents divorced, but most of the marriages in my extended friends and family, were either on the rocks, or completely shipwrecked. At school, it was quicker to count the happily married families, than those in trouble, and as such, my opinion of marriage, from a very young age, was far from optimistic.

In fact, I made a solemn vow in my late teens, never to fall into that trap. For me, marriage was an outdated concept, with a disastrous score sheet, and I was having none of it. My point of view was that if I was going to be with someone, it certainly wouldn’t be because I had signed a piece of paper or made some flowery vows in front of a bunch of people in a chapel. It would be simply because I wanted to. In short, marriage is, was, and always would be, for suckers.

Cut to eighteen years later, when I met a young Cuban Italian woman in New York city, and after four months of dating, I was ready to buy the entire Happy Meal; a white wedding, in a chapel, ordained by the Pope (subject to availability), with me confessing my love, in front of as many people as I could squeeze into the church pews.

But I’m jumping ahead. Let’s go back to that young, adorable, cynical me.

As I said, I didn’t believe that a successful marriage was possible, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t curious about the concept of it. Which is why, since my mid teens, whenever I met married couples who had been together for anywhere between ten to sixty years, I would ask them all the same question:

What’s your secret?

Since asking that first couple, I have mined several hundred people for their wisdom on the subject. After compiling all the answers, I have come away with one infallible truth. It’s all bullshit.

The truth is, that every couple’s union is so cosmically unique, that there is no one answer to the puzzle. For a problem-solving Virgo like myself, it’s infuriating.

If I see a problem, I find a solution, and then I fix it; but marriage is a cunning, defiant little monkey, that refuses to comply to one or two solutions. It twists and turns and outmaneuvers every fix that is thrown at it. Sure, there are methods that work for a while, but after some time, the marriage morphs into a different set of challenges that need fixing.

This is not to say that the advice I received has zero merit. On the contrary, I recommend everyone try each idea; but at the end of the day, it’s up to each couple to understand their own unique dynamic and then carefully cherry pick what works and what doesn’t.

When I got married to my wife, I was terrified. Not because I had doubts about my choice of partner; that was one thing I couldn’t have been more sure about. I was scared of the post wedding minefield, that I believed so many couples in my world had failed to cross, without losing a limb or two. This was the problem at hand, and I needed an answer. So I immediately went in search of pearls of wisdom, of which I’m going to lay out for you to agree with or disagree; use or ignore:

• YOU WILL BE UNFAITHFUL

Shockingly, one of the first few people I asked marriage advice from, on a photo shoot, gave me this sobering tidbit.

You are going to be unfaithful Alexi. You are a straight, successful fashion photographer. It’s just going to happen.

Wow.

After that cold fish-slap to the face, I changed my focus. Instead of asking for marriage advice from everyone and anyone, I searched for role models. In reaction to that woman’s negative prophecy, I went searching for a shining example of a straight, successful, fashion photographer, who also happened to be faithful, and had a successful home life.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as easy as I naïvely presumed it would be. However, after some searching, I was introduced to a photo assistant who worked for an extremely successful fashion and beauty photographer, Michael Thompson, who I was told, was a prime example of what I was looking for.

Being the impetuous doer that I am, I emailed Mr. Thompson before the assistant had even finished telling me about him.

Dear, Mr. Thompson, my name is Alexi Lubomirski and I am a young fashion photographer, who just got married. I have been told that you have been able to sustain a healthy balance between a great career and marriage. Would you be willing to chat to me about it?

Upon mentioning to some people about my email, I was met with shock and disbelief.

Dude, you are so weird, you can’t just email other photographers. He’s gonna think you are a nut.

Admittedly, after three or four people reacted with the same raised eyebrows, I started to doubt my actions, but a week later, I received a response from Mr. Thompson, inviting me to his studio.

With my confidence knocked by all the naysayers, I was nervous about how he would treat me, but upon entering his office, his smiling face immediately put me at ease, and he jumped straight into the subject at hand.

Alexi, the fact that you are here asking me about this, shows me you’re gonna be alright.

We talked about the fear that comes with being a freelancer. How we never know if our next job will be our last, and so we take whatever jobs are thrown at us, sometimes at the time expense of our loved ones, who we are ultimately trying to provide for in the first place.

Mr. Thompson’s main advice though, was that, in spite of this fear, I had to prioritize my wife, as much, if not more than I prioritized my work. As difficult as it would be to implement this, he promised me that I would never regret it.

He told me that he had learned his marriage/career balance from the photographer that he himself had assisted, the legendary Irving Penn, who apparently told clients each day on set, that whatever they needed to achieve, had to be done by a certain hour, because whether it was accomplished or not, he would be getting the 6pm train home to have dinner with his wife.

I loved that.

Moving forward, it became a welcome monthly challenge with my agent to organize the work schedule to incorporate and prioritize family time. Never easy, but absolutely imperative for the marriage to stand a chance.

…………..

• DON’T PUT BABY IN THE CORNER

A lady in her eighties, who I spoke to about her fifty five year marriage, painted this useful picture for me.

When we have a baby, we coo over it, cuddle and nurture it, but we don’t then put it in a closet and forget about it, expecting it to grow by itself, do we? That’s the trouble with young people. They forget that love is like a baby. It needs feeding, encouragement, warmth and protection, otherwise it will wither and die.

She then proceeded to tell me, These kids have no patience these days. They marry, everything is great for a while and then they have two months of difficulty and get divorced. No staying power.

I asked her how she had weathered the storms with her husband, who had recently passed.

We didn’t talk for five years during our thirties, she laughed. We lived in separate bedrooms. We got over it though. Certain things shifted. Kids moved out. We found each other again. After having no sex for eight years, we were suddenly at it like rabbits. We had another eight years of falling out with no sex, and then in our sixties, we hooked up again. But we had the patience to get through the tough times, because we knew what we had at our foundation.

The young thirty year old me, conditioned by a society that taught us that sex was everything, was shocked, but it gave me a refreshing perspective.

…………..

• SWAP SALIVA

During my recent exhibition in London, for my photography book, THE SITTINGS, I met a Spanish couple who had been together for twenty five years.

Their advice was as follows:

Wife: My grandmother taught me this. Give your partner a proper kiss with tongue every single day. We used to watch her do it to my grandfather and thought it was disgusting, but they were happy until the end. I don’t give my husband the tongue all the time, but we kiss at least once a day.

Husband: The man should also always have the last two words in any argument.

Me: Really??

Husband: Of course! The two words are YES, DARLING.

…………..

• GETTING BLOWN ALL THE TIME

The first ten years, I was told by an elderly husband, after I returned from my honeymoon, is the hardest.

Love and marriage during those first ten years is like a young sapling tree, which keeps getting blown by continuous gales, that each have the power to knock it over. You have to constantly protect it and hold it up, until the roots are deep enough and strong enough, to withstand any storm.

With those words ringing in my anxious newlywed ears, I went into overdrive. For the first decade together with my wife, I wrote her a poem every month on our “month-aversary”, accompanied by a red rose; trying everything I could to give the roots of our marriage a fighting chance to take hold.

Were there problems? Does a bear poop in the woods? Of course there were, but as that same man told me, Thank God for the problems, otherwise you would die of boredom. Would you rather be flown directly to the top of a mountain, or endure the highs and lows of the climb to get there, where every tough valley is followed by a glorious vista? You appreciate the summit so much more that way. That’s how the memories are made, bonds are forged and love goes from a cheap Hallmark card, to an epic adventure story.

…………..

• GROW UP!

Or even better, don’t.

Staying childlike was a front runner on the advice list, especially in terms of laughing together. Marry your best friend, and never stop laughing at the stupid stuff.

After fourteen years together, I can attest to this particular nugget. When and if, I manage to make my wife laugh with my childish English humor, it is like a shot of pure oxygen to my heart; her smile like a bolt of sunshine, capable of slicing through any storm cloud. So get your joke books out and behave like children.

…………..

• PINK FLUFFY HANDCUFFS

A priest once told me that a lasting marriage is like being held together with comfortable handcuffs. Even as you both get older and change, you stay connected to each other and allow your partner to evolve within your union, even when it seems as though their metamorphosis could break you apart. The people each of you are when you marry, will likely be very different to the ones that you end up with after a lifetime together…. but you will be together.

Said priest also gave me the expected advice from his line of work.

Those who pray together, stay together.

This particular one, I believe in greatly. Not necessarily in conventional terms of Christian, Jew or Muslim etc, but simply having an open and shared belief in something – It can be fairies at the bottom of your garden, tall grey aliens or a freshly born baby Jesus, but believing in something greater than the sum of the two people in the relationship, gives a solid extra dimension to the marriage. It also helps that there will probably be some underlying ethics or set of standards, that you both hold important, before you jump into the Game of Life together.

…………..

• SHUT THE HELL UP

Communication is key, but also difficult.

A great trick for heated discussions, where the conversation is more of a booby trapped tunnel, than an understanding exchange of words, is to play the TWO MINUTE game.

The rules are simply that you both surrender two minutes to the other person; for one person to talk, and the other to listen; and then swap back and forth.

If you are the one talking during those two minutes, choose your words carefully. You will not be interrupted, so take your time and be as clear as possible. Use lots of sentences starting with I feel that… or, You may not have meant to do such and such, but when you did, it made me feel… The calmer you express your point, the better chance it has to be heard and processed.

If you are the listener, listen. Really listen. Don’t react. Instead of looking for something within the words to blast your cannons at, try to understand where your partner is coming from, before answering. When you listen, remember that the person talking is your partner… for life. You must love them for a reason. Let that love paint the conversation with understanding and compassion.

…………..

• IT’S JUST YOU AND ME BABE

The circus that surrounds each couple is crazy. We all have in-laws, siblings, children, and friends; each of whom will, from time to time, steady our boat or try to sink it.

If you are in this relationship for the long haul, remember that at the end, it’s just you two, so prioritize each other. All of those other entities making cameos in your story, distracting you from your union, will not be there at the end. At the final curtain, it’s just the two of you, with a duffel bag full of memories, and a deep understanding and appreciation of each other. Team mates, comrades, lovers, friends. Prioritize each other as such.

…………..

• THAT’S THE TRUTH RUTH

When asked for marital advice, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, It helps to be a little deaf sometimes.

We all say things without thinking, that act as small paper cuts to our partner. We can either choose to collect and keep score of each laceration given to us, or we can afford our loved ones a few passes, by choosing to ignore what they say.

…………..

• GENEROUS GIFTS OR TENDER TOUCH

I came late to this book, but Wow, it’s a goodie. The concept behind the book, “THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES” by Gary Chapman, is that each of us perceives love through a different language, which are as follows:

1.     Words of affirmation or compliments

2.     Quality time

3.     Gifts

4.     Acts of service

5.     Physical touch

For example, one person might understand love through acts of service and think that doing the washing up for their partner conveys love, but their partner may need love through words of affirmation instead. Find out what your love language is and what your partner’s is. It’s a like a brilliant cheat code.

…………..

• CHEAP DATE

Especially when you have kids, try and carve out a lunch, dinner, walk or something alone, every week with your loved one. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to be done. Don’t discuss the children, home duties or work. Discuss your dreams, goals or just thoughts, like you used to do when were dating. Remind yourself who the two of you were, before the craziness of kids and adulthood came in to play. It only takes a little water to revive the relationship seed.

…………..

• GET YOUR TEETH CHECKED

We don’t wait for our teeth to be riddled with holes before we go to the dentist, so why would we wait for relationship resentments to build up to a cataclysmic level, before seeing a couples therapist? Check in with a specialist every two or three years for a few sessions, just to make sure the engine is running well and there are no bugs in the hard drive. It will keep the relationship minty fresh.

…………..

• JUST SAY IT

If you read my letter from a few weeks ago called, THANK YOU. SORRY. I LOVE YOU, you will know of my encouragement to voice things when you feel them.

Thank you for making food.

Thank you for providing for the family.

I love it when you laugh like that.

You look beautiful today.

Anything positive that you think about your partner, let them know. They might just need to hear it, even if you don’t quite know why.

…………..

THE REST OF THE ADVICE:

There are plenty of other classics from years of inquiries:

• HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE

• NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY

• MAKE SURE YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH, EVEN AFTER THE SEX DRIES UP

• BE EACHOTHER’S GREATEST CHEERLEADER

• HAVE YOUR OWN INTERESTS

I even asked a particular First Lady what the secret to a long marriage was. She smiled at me and said, Independence.

……………….

So this week, as I celebrate fourteen years of marriage, and with enough harvested advice to fill a warehouse, what have I learnt?

I’ve learnt that I love my wife, deeply.

I’ve learnt to surrender the notion that I’m a lone warrior in this world, knowing that my wife and I have each other’s back, no matter what.

I’ve learnt that after fourteen years of shared life experiences, our relationship has tapped into something more complex and profound, than I would’ve ever known how to create in the first place.

I’ve learnt that it’s been the toughest challenges, more than the good times that have strengthened our bond and deepened our love for eachother.

I’ve learnt that we are completely different individuals now, compared to the ones we were on day one, and that’s ok.

I’ve learnt that sometimes when I look at my wife, I hear a soundtrack in my head. Over the years, it has gone from being a newlywed vibe like, PONY, by Ginuwine, to today, being a much deeper DINNER, by Ennio Morricone. (Even though NEVER TOO MUCH, by Luther Vandross still slips in regularly.) - What are your songs?

And finally, I’ve learnt that it’s naive for any couple to state with certainty, that they will stay together forever, as no-one knows what life has up its velvet tuxedo sleeve, but I know that every day each of us fight for our marriages, the odds in our favor get higher and higher.

But the concept of marriage is still a massive conundrum to me, and I find it amusing that we humans blindly dive into a lifetime contract with one person, and still get shocked when we encounter difficulties along the way. It’s an ever evolving collision of two star systems, creating a monumental cosmic dust up, with stratospheric highs and earth shattering lows, and we just hold on for dear life.

But we hold on because we want to, not because we have to.

Have I totally figured out the secret yet? Hell no. I am still fumbling through, celebrating the wins and trying to fix the losses, but during the last decade and a half of fumbling, our roots continuously dig a little deeper in the background, enabling us to withstand bigger storms, and allowing the tapestry of our union to grow.

So if you are standing on the precipice of marriage, or already up to your knees in it, I wish for you patience, compromise, commitment, endurance and compassion. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and your are gonna get a load of ankle blisters and chafed nipples along the way, but wow, it’s gonna build up to something amazing, if you let it.

Alexi x

P.S. As I sometimes do, a little ditty to part ways with:

“LOVE’S TAPESTRY”

The tapestry of our love

grows each day,

Bright, joyful colors

lay happily

next to more somber,

muted tones.

……………

At times, 

the outer threads fray

and try to break free,

but the main body

is so intricate,

so interlaced with love

that it is impossible

to tear asunder.

……………

So our tapestry

continues to grow,

over changing emotional landscapes

of love, happiness and loss.

Ever more rich,

ever more vibrant,

ever more textured.

……………

As it grows,

it warms and protects us

and our evolving union.

Each stitch speaking

of shared memories

and shared love.

Each color an achievement or struggle.

……………

So let us not fear

any goal, trial or battle,

for these shall increase

the strength and beauty of our bond.

Our tapestry is our story,

and our story is love.

……………

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